FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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