We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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