it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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