Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
