if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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