Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
