his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
