If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
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They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
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