When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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