So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Porn is love you can see.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
