I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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