i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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