that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
