I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
