When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
