Don't make out with my wife yet
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
