i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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