just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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