I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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