Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
