Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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