I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
