Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
