Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
