i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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