just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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