roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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