Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
