it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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