I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize