my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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