First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
