now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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