The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
