i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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