His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize