i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
