Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
