I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
