party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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