i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
