last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
