It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
