bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
