so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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