so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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