Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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