You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
