you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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