I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
People in love make me want to vomit
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
