I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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