okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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