Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
