What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
