last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize