i would punch a child for taco bell
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
