i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
