It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
