i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Randomize
