I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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