He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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