i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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