1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize