Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
