i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
