"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
