I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
