I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
