so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize