so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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