i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
